Grab The Goat By The What Now?!

So we're laying in bed on this fine Xmas morning 2010, awake after having to change the sheets and blankets after Zac pee'd on Mari while she slept, when for reasons I won't go into out of respect for my wife I had a sudden desire for a bullhorn.

And the following conversation ensued:
Tony: Man I wish I had a bullhorn!
Mari: A what now?!
Tony: The thing you talk into that amplifies the sound... you know when Bart put them all together and caused a big explosion?
Mari: Isn't that called a megaphone?
Tony: Bullhorn is an American term
Mari: Bart called it a megaphone...
Tony: A Southern American term then!
Mari: Why Bullhorn?
Tony: Because it looks like a bulls horn?!
Mari: I've never seen a bull with horns like that...
Tony: If you strap the cone to the side of the bull's head then the handle faces forward like a bull horn.
Mari: looks confused and makes twirling motions with both hands in the air above her.
Tony: you're thinking of a goat dear.
Mari: I'm thinking of a goat!

A HERO

I am a HERO.

What happened?!?! (you may ask...)

Well let me tell you.

On Sunday my Xmas lights were going up. I was We were all very excited! We hadn’t put up lights in over 3 years! And I rock Xmas. So it was especially hard for me.

Tony I happily pulled out the three massive Xmas Decoration boxes from the attic and sorted through it all. I ecstatically went and added to the collection and got it ready for Sunday.

On Sunday Becca and Mat came over to help put it all up. Becca first helped with putting up the internal decorations. The signs and pictures and hanging things. When we were done it looked like Santa had thrown up all over the living room. It was a picture of Xmassy goodness!

And then Mat came over to do the lights, and he and Tony were like machines! They put up heaps of lights on the balcony upstairs, but our step ladder almost ended the happiness of the day.

Mat was standing on the ladder when it decided that enough was enough and suddenly collapsed straight down! In a split moment decision, and knowing I was only wearing socks, I heroically stuck my foot out, imagining the Adamantium running through my veins would be enough to stop the ladder’s descent, but alas no! The ladder continued its journey into oblivion, and with it my beloved brother-in-law, who had the presence of mind to ride the horrible beast to the floor.

And so endeth the tale happily, with Mat still alive and kicking, and coming over next weekend to put the tree up.

And although this tale could have ended so tragically, it did not. Because I am a HERO. A HERO with a bruised foot.

A HERO I say!

Thank you.

The Awful Truth

Mari realised the awful truth of her advancing age tonight.

And in the most heinous of betrayals, this realisation was brought to her by her beloved Days Of Our Lives.

A recently returned character from days long past mentioned that "the last of his kids had gone off to college" and in the midst of chuckling over how fast and loose these daytime soaps play with time her hindbrain completed the calculation, she went deathly pale and a hoarse denial tore itself loose from the pit of her soul, bursting forth from out her mouth in horror and fury.

It had indeed been 20 years since Justin and Adrienne got hitched and started knocking out babies.

Sorry Baby.
Better luck next time?

And We Do

So I've turned the shirt over.

And she's turned to face away from
the shirt and gone to sleep.

And tomorrow she'll wonder why I don't want to do any if the fun jobs she has lined up for me.

'Cos there's nothing like job satisfaction.

At least, not in the Hill household.

And we close our eyes.....

[]

We Have To Close Our Eyes

It's 3am and I've just been ordered to bed because my (usually) lovely wife needs me to run to the chemist tomorrow morning and get her the magic anti-chicken-pox pills.

So we're laying in bed in the dark and she says "you know what's annoying?! turn your #%^*ing t-shirt off!"

I've just taken delivery of a tshirt from threadless.com with a lightsaber on the front where the blade is an energy saver fluro lightbulb. Awesome, I know. The best bit is the bulb glows in the dark! Right? Yeah baby!

So anyway she complains that the shirt is bright and I say "you can NOT see that with your eyes closed!". To which she replies "I can't keep my eyes closed all the time!!!".

Now I want to point out once again, it's 3am and we're laying in bed in the dark...except for the shirt...so in the almost complete darkness.

And I realize why she can't sleep.
It's not the pox. She's doing it wrong.

"Baby, you have to close your eyes!"

[]

Crazy 101 - The Teacher Is In!

So we're watching an ad for Duracel's new contact charge pad and the following conversation ensued:

Mari: Cooool *excited*
Tony: Yeah
Mari: A cheaper alternative *very earnestly*
Tony: Ye..wait what?
Mari: A cheaper alt...
Tony: yeah yeah yeah I uh... Why is it cheaper?
Mari: ...it's duracel... or energizer... It's gotta be cheaper than... like... a website...
Tony: Wow! That's some crazy sh*t you said right there
Mari: *completely cracked up* It sounded right in my head...

For bonus points see if you can guess at what point the crazy lady got distracted by the next ad during the conversation.

I Think Its Time For An Update.. No?

Lots to update.. lots and lots!!

Ok so I should start with our new addition!

Meet Zena.

Zena is about 9 weeks old, is a domestic short hair, and is absolutely nuts!

So a guy at working was giving her away last week and after a quick consultation with Tony, it was decided that we would expand to a 3 cat family ;-) She was delivered to us on Tuesday night, Josie was very surprised, and after a quick trip to the vet to get her checked out, she was pronounced in perfect health with no fleas! Hurrah!

At first Zak and Zoe were a bit freaked. Zoe more than Zak. Zak was more like 'Meh.." and only hissed at her twice on the first night.. once when she rolled off the couch onto him, and once when she attacked his tail. Both times, I reckon he had a point.

On the other hand.. Zoe was freaked out for a few days.. she would hiss at Zena quite often, jump 10 feet into the air every time Zena twitched and ran away from her. However, but the end of the weekend Zoe had stopped hissing, and was just run around after Zena going "Thats mine! Dont touch!".. "Thats mine as well..".. "And that too! Muuuuum! SHE'S TOUCHING MY STUFF!!"

So now we are a week in, and Zak and Zena are sleeping together and Zoe and Zena are chasing eachother round the house and playing. Its all good ;-)

So now you can officially call me the Crazy Cat Lady (tm).

Zena is so so so cute. She loves being held (which is so weird for us). She is mega playful, I dont remember Zelli or Zoe being so playful.. Zak yes though.. and she is SO tiny! Teeny next to Zak, and tiny next to Zoe. Until Zena arrived, I always thought Zoe was small.. but that was only next to Zak.. Zoe looks huge next to Zena!

So thats the story of our new arrival.

And now my other big news.. I have lost over 30Kg over the last 5 months or so.. and I have done this thanks to a kick start with Optifast, and then an operation called a Sleeve Gastrectomy, where 80% of my stomach was cut and removed. This procedure is permanent and irreversible.

So now I eat very little. And the weight has been dropping off.

I am so relieved, and so happy. I have more energy, more confidence and am generally all good. Ive dropped at least 3-4 sizes and fingers crossed in the next 12 months we might even add ANOTHER mouth to the household ;-)

I would like to lose another 30Kg or so.. but right now..

Life. Is. Good ;-)

So here are some comparison photos..

Aside from those two biggies, Josie is doing well at school and about to head into Year 3 next year. The school has a compulsory Instrumental program from year 3 so Josie has chosen Sax, Flute or Trumpet to learn, but ultimately it will depend on what the teachers deem appropriate for her.

And I think thats it for updates..

Dreams That Make You Cry

So the other night I am dreaming and, as you do, I suddenly realised that my Dumachka (which is a little square pillow that I use on top of my regular pillow, don't ask, all Kleytmans have always used them), was an onion. Yes, an onion. And you know, I didn't want to put my head on an onion, cause you know, they smell, so I moved the 'onion' up above and to the left of my head. But when I put my head down, there was no Dumachka, and I was uncomfortable, so then I realised that the onion, was in fact my Dumachka, I moved it back and all was right with the world.

The End.

So.. Dream Doctors.. what does it all MEAN ?!

Don't Strangle Granny!

On the car ride home from Baba's:

Josie: Daaad, the other day I was on the grass and I was booored so Granny said I could run across the road really fast.

Tony: What the hell?!

Josie: It's ok, I ran really fast!

Tony: *fails to find the power of speech through the red haze of rage*

Josie: *babbles incessantly about various things for a while*.....daddy?...DADDY?!

Tony: What?!

Josie: Are you Listening?!

Tony: No. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do about Granny.

Josie: What are you going to do?

Tony: I'm thinking about strangling her.

Josie: Daddy! What have I told you about strangling Granny?!

Tony: ....nothing, it hasn't ever come up as yet.

Josie: well...add that. Don't strangle Granny!

Tony: I'll try to restrain myself.

Turn your face away, ask me a question

Just a quick one today.

So we went to the movies tonight, my lovely wife and I, and saw Vampires Suck (note to parody-ists: you need to be better than the thing you are making fun of - score: C- occasionally funny) and Sorcerer's Apprentice (quite good).

Right in the middle of reading the cast credits Mari turns to me (away from the credits up on the big screen) and says "so who played Morgana?".

Realising her mistake (as I burst out laughing) she turns back in time to miss the name as it slides off-screen.

Priceless.

Those Crazy Cushion Eating People!

So Mari is telling me about Becka doing the 40-hour famine soon, and how she can give up two other things rather than food.

Mari: So she's giving up talking and furniture.

Tony (twirling a string with a weight around): Furniture. Where's she going to sleep?

Mari: On the floor.

Tony: On the floor.

Mari: Yeah.

Tony: How Amish of her.

Mari: More like Mediterranean.

Tony (still twirling): Uhhhh.

Mari: You know, those people that sleep on the floor.

Tony: They don't sleep on the floor in the Mediterranean.

Mari: The Japanese!

Tony (still twirling): They don't sleep on the floor either.

Mari: The, the, the....

Tony: You're thinking of homeless people!

Mari: No, like the people who eat on cushions!

Tony (the twirling gets wobbly): Theeee what now?

Mari: You know! They eat on cushions!

Tony: The food is on the cushions?

Mari: Noooo (like THAT is just noodle doodle!), THEY sit on the cushions!

Tony: Where is the food?

Mari: ....I dunno

Tony: But you sai..

Mari: Moroccans!!!!

Tony (the weight hits the floor): ......I have to blog this.

Josie is Officially off the Market

We have always said that Josie and Joshy were gonna eventually marry. Its totally on the cards.

Especially after this exchange between Josh and his mother:

Josh & Ines are at Ines' bed.

Joshy: I love your bed mummy, its so big! And you have two pillows! I wish I had two pillows!

Ines: Well no Josh, there's only one of you, you dont need two pillows.

Joshy: But I want two pillows ;-(

Ines: Well when you get married, you can have two pillows.

Joshy: Married? Like to Josie?

[Josh claps his hand to his mouth and giggles]

I think the deal is done now.

Ines, David, what kind of dowry are you guys expecting? We have no goats, but I can provide two cats, one slightly used, and the other well used ;-)

Mr Mom Epic Fail

This morning was one of those rare mornings when I am on child duty; get her up, dressed, teeth & hair brushed etc.

So I did all of the above, and even managed to brush and tie up her hair, and got her to school (only 20-odd minutes late - I can hear the gasps of disapproval from my maternal audience already) without any arguments or tantrums, from either of us.

45mins later I'm sitting at my desk at work feeling pleased with myself when I receive a call from my suspiciously chipper wife. I then have a couple of microseconds to think to myself "she sounds happy, she must be ringing to compliment me on doing such a great job that allowed her to get such a refreshing rest." before she asks (in an increasingly worrying sunny voice) "hello husband, so...what did you make Josie for her lunch today?".

Oh crap, "er..."

"Mmhmm. And recess?"

Double crap! "I-I-I... er... well..."

"Mmmmm. Aaaaaand nibble?"

Ahhhh frak me!!! "*whimper*"

In contrast to her hopelessly useless father my offspring managed to discover her lack of foodage, take herself off to the office and ring her mother to complain about the terrible staff & services offered at Shez Hill this morning, "definitely not up to snuff you must agree my good woman." and all such.

I'm sure you all agree.

Caution: Proliferate Use of the F Word Ahead

The other day Josie & Daddy were playing Mario Kart on the Wii when Josie is run off the road by Bowser.

Josie: Fuck!
Tony: Josie!
Josie: Naaaooooo I didnt say 'Fucken' I said "Fuck"
Tony: Fuck is rude!
Josie: Noooo "Fucken" is rude! Not "Fuck"!
Tony (now starting to hesitate to keep saying the word): ...F...Fuck is also rude.
Josie: No it's not! It's "Fucken" *pronounced very clearly as if daddy is retarded* is the rude one!
Tony: Sweetie you know the word "throw"?
Josie: yeah
Tony: and "throwing"?
Josie: yeaaah? *again like Daddy is retarded and is not making any kind of sensible point*
Tony: and you know the "ing" in "throwing" is just the word "throw" with "ing" added on the end?
Josie: yeeeesssss *becoming testy with daddy's mental limitations*
Tony: so if "throwing" was rude then it's not going to be the "ing" bit that is rude is it? "ing" doesn't mean anything by itself does it?
Josie: nooooooo *as if daddy is the most obtuse, obvious man in history*
Tony: So It would be the "throw" part that was rude right?
Josie: Yeah *of course you silly little man*
Tony: well some people say "en" instead "ing"
Josie [mouths "fucken" and "fucking" a couple of times, gasps and looks at Daddy, stricken]: I didn't know!
Tony: Really.
Josie [looking embarrassed and sad to have lost an argument with Daddy, mumbles]: someone told me
Tony: who?
Josie [rolling her eyes]: you don't want to hear it
Tony: Oh I really really do
Josie: Paris *as if this was eminently obvious*

Meanwhile Mummy is sitting at her computer, safely hidden, wetting herself laughing.

An Update - Finally!

So much happening, and really, I have lost the enthusiasm for blogging.

So lets see, we have new house, new kitten, new school. We've gone to the Gold Coast, we've lost our cameras, we've BBQd (a lot) and we've gotten used to new surroundings.

So after a long an arduous search, losing two houses in the process, we finally secured a new house last month. We are in the eastern suburbs still, in a lovely 3 bedroom townhouse. Upstairs has 3 bedrooms, a bathroom and a WC, as well as a ladder up into the attic in the roof. Downstairs is the living room, dining area and kitchen, as well as a laundry, toilet and nice, manageable courtyard. We moved in a few days before Xmas and then frantically cleaned and unpacked so as to have the downstairs ready for guests on Boxing Day. The house is in a gorgeous complex of townhouses, with a central grassed area and gazebo, and heaps of kids for Josie to play with. She is very happy with our new home, mainly cause all of a sudden she has lots of kids to play with at home, a huge area to play in, lots of dogs, and freedom and independence. It has been very challenging for her to adjust to this new found freedom. She hasn't really known how to handle it, to know what is and isnt appropriate, but she seems to be getting there.

Zakhari, on the other hand, has suddenly found himself for the first time, with stairs. He is climbing them slowly, he is old and has back problems, and he tends to stay downstairs a lot, but he seems to also be liking the extra space. He has even ventured into the courtyard a couple of times (under supervision of course).

Tony and I, meanwhile, are insanely happy to be out of the renting game, and the rut we found ourselves in. I will post some photos of the new place soon. In the move we have lost our cameras unfortunately. I have a new one now, but haven't gotten round to taking some nice photos of the house set up.

Which brings me to the new kitten. We felt that after Zelli's passing, Zak needed a companion. So we started looking for some nice, quiet, passive breeds. We looked at Ragdolls and we looked at British Tabbys mostly, and we found Zoe, who is a British Tabby. She is black with silver streaks and is just over 12 weeks old. Being a kitten, she is quite insane ;-) The first week she and Zak basically hissed at eachother. She stopped hissing first though, and kept trying to come up to him and smell him. He is still a bit stand offish, although this morning I saw him try to groom her for the first time, which is a good sign ;-)

Josie is loving the new kitten. Zak and Zelli were already adults when she was born, so this is the first time she has had a kitten, and its been difficult stopping her from picking Zoe up ALL the time. Zoe doesnt seem to like being picked up. By anyone. But when she deems we have been good, she will consent to lay on our shoulders, heads, chests, and occasionally up against us. The first week she slept above Tony head on his pillow and on occasion would attack the stray hair that would offensively wave at her in the breeze from the ever constant fan in the bedroom.

And now to the new school. We made the decision after Kindy, to move Josie from the private school she was at, to a local public school. We just couldnt afford the fees anymore. She went through Year 1 at the public school, and while the education was great, some of the kids, and the interaction we had with the teachers, wasn't the same. You really can tell the difference between Private and Public school. Anyway, late last year her old private school offered a number of bursaries. We applied, were successful, and the rest is history. She is now (very happily) back at her old school. We are happy, she is happy, and our families are very happy too.

Our annual trip to the Gold Coast happened in October. We once again stayed at Q1, and this time Vika & Becca came with us. We stayed on the 33rd floor this year. Again phenomenal views, and again too many theme parks. If we go again this year, we will either cut down on theme parks, or go for two weeks. Depending on the cost.

Work has been good, my team has expanded, the work has become more complicated (thanks to SAP!), but the views are still great, and the people greater ;-)

And thats about it..