Those Were The Days..

By Tony.

The days of Josie accepting any story I tell her are over.

About two years ago she figured out that my 'Princess Josephine' stories were nothing more than chastisement in pretty wrappers and now she has started to criticise my choice of material and demand immediate rectification and improvement.

Tonight I was reading from a Golden Book of bedtime stories all about bunnies, and after the first bunny story and a poem about bunnies, I got only one paragraph into the second story when Josephine decided she has had enough of bunnies and wanted one of daddy's tales and the following exchange occurred:

Josie [interrupting the story being read]: Daaaad...
Tony: Yes Josephine?
Josie: Can you tell me a story and I'll go to sleep?
Tony: [Confused]
Tony: Thats what we're doing.. I'm reading you a story, and I want you to go to sleep..
Josie: uhh I've got a better idea.. you TELL me a story while I go to sleep...
Tony: [Very confused]
Tony: Thats what I'm doing [pointing to the book]. This is a story, I'm telling you a story! Please go to sleep..
Josie: No.. one of YOUR stories..
Tony: Ahhh.. fine..
[Puts down the book, turns the light off..]
Tony: Once upon a time, in a land far far away, in a small garden, beside a castle, beside a lake, there lived a family of bunnies.. and there was Mummy Bunny, and Daddy Bunny, and little Josie Bunny, and they lived in a small garden beside a castle in which lived Daddy King, Mummy Queen and a Princess Josephine, who had two pet dragons, Zak...
Josie: Daaaad...
Tony: Yes Josephine?
Josie: Do it cats.
Tony: Huh?
Josie: Make it cats instead of dragons.
Tony: What? Why? She has dragons..
Josie: Nooo.. I dont want dragons. I dont like dragons..
Tony: What do you mean? You have two stuffed dragons right next to you.. you loved the dragon that used to hang over your cot..
Josie [interrupting again]: yehhh... but I dont like dragons anymore
Tony: Dragons are cool!
Josie: They're not
Tony: Dragons are awesome!
Josie: Nooo... they breathe fire and burn people up and they eat people..
Tony: Not all dragons.. there's good dragons too.. Only the bad dragons hurt people..
Josie: Weeeeell... if I hurt a good dragon... it would burn me..
Tony: Well don't hurt it then... ?
Josie: Just make it cats. [rolls her eyes, tolerating no more of daddy's backchat]
Tony: Fine.
Tony: A long time ago, in a forest far far away, there lived a family, in a cottage...
Josie [interrupting again]: Noooo...
Tony: What?
Josie: They live in a castle!
Tony: No.. she has dragons! You wanted cats. The girl in the forest has cats.
Josie: Ugghhhhhh....
Tony: Just lie down and listen to your story.. [tolerating no more of Josie's backchat]
Tony: As I was saying.. there was a daddy and a mummy and a little girl Josephine, and her two cats, Zak and Zelli. Daddy was a woodcutter and every day he went out into the forest and cut some wood... and sold it to people. (Not being arsed to go describing any complex system of villages or fairs where wood may or may not be sold, as inevitably this would draw some kind of criticism from the 5 year old peanut gallery). Mummy baked pies all day, and made dinner, and... did stuff around the house. And the little girl Josephine and her cats played in the garden and ran along the banks of the river that ran through the woods and past the house. And they ran through the field past the house chasing butterflies.
Josie: Cats don't chase butterflies.
Tony: *groan* Jesus Christ! How do you know??
Josie: I know.
Tony: [&*%$*&^] Finukan! (I yelled, but only in my head, gritting my teeth and twitching).
Tony: These cats chase butterflies.
Tony: And they jumped over the river, it was a thin river (before she has a chance to object) and...
Josie: Daaad...
Tony: what!?
Josie: Can you do it not Josephine? Its annoying when you keep putting me in it!
Tony: What?
Josie: Its annoying. Always having Josephine in it..
Tony: But..
Tony: But..
Tony: Mhmmm (whimpers).. ok.. fine..
Tony: A long time ago, in a mountain far far away, there lived a race of gnomes who dug into the roots and depths of the mountain and dug rocks and jewels out of the mountain, and gold and... sold them to people nd became very wealthy. And they built roads and galleries and caverns and mines and they were happy. And one day there was born a young gnome who didn't want to live in the mountain. He wanted to see the light and feel the sun shine upon his face. He wanted to feel the grass underneath his feet, smell the wild flowers that grew in the valley beyond the mountain and watch the wild horses run. But his father said that he could not leave the mountain as it was dangerous out there and he would get hurt. That he should stay where it was safe among his people. And the young gnome was sad and wandered uncaring through the dark caverns of the mountain, and his father was sad to see his son so. And finally one day he said to him, "Son you must leave this place and go out into the valley and do as you would. Take this cloak, it will make you invisible to the dangers beyond the..."
Josie: Dad, this is a scary story.
Tony: Wait, let me finish. It gets better.
Josie: Aallriiiight...
Tony: Thank you.

[At this point I take no responsibility for the drivel ahead. Suffice to say, she fell asleep, sometime early on I would imagine. Ed. (Mari)]

Tony: And he put on the cloak and was happy and his father said, "Come back after a time and tell us what you have found." And the young gnome said "I will return after one year and bring news of all that I have discovered". And hugging his father, the young gnome ran to the front gates of the mountain and hesitated on the doorstep, wondering what he should do first, whether to go down to the river, or to the wildflowers, or seek out the wild horses. He decided to go down to the wildflowers first, and he smelled the wild flowers and eventually he tripped and fell into the flowers, disturbing a swarm of bees that were feasting on the flowers nectar. They gave an angry Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, and the young gnome said "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, I tripped". But the bees weren't listening, and with an angry Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, they chased him from the flower bed and stung him on the bottom. And they chased him all the way until he had to jump into the river to escape them. And the river flowed swiftly and bore him away until he entered the woods and finally could pull himself from the river by the roots of the trees that stood by it. And the young gnome was cold and wet and had a sore bottom and so he walked back out of the forest, seeking the sunlight to dry his clothes. And he sat on a large rock and let the sun dry his clothes and warm him once more. And he bathed his bottom oin the river once more and the cool waters soothed the sting until it hurt him no more. Then he climbed back onto the rock to enjoy some more sun.

A rumbling caused him to turn and he saw the wild horses of the valley running towards his rock and the vibration of their hooves caused him to lose his balance and as the lead horse came past the rock, its tail swished out and smacked him in the face and he fell over backwards back into the river, hitting his head on the rock as he fell. And he was borne once more into the forest. Dragging himself out again he decided to explore the forest, as the valley had proven dangerous, as his father had warned. He walked and he walked until night began to fall and he became afraid and thought he had better get out of the forest and get back to the valley lest some forest creature attacked him. He turned and began to run back the way he had come. After a little while he heard a noise behind him, and turning saw the gleaming eyes, and large teeth of a wolf chasing him. Screaming he ran faster than ever until at least he burst form the forest into the light of the last rays of the sun. Turning once more he saw that it was in fact a large squirrel that had been chasing him. And he shook his fist at it and said accusingly "You scared me!". And the squirrel said "Its not my fault you thought I was a wolf, I just wanted to get a drink from the river". And he went down to the river, took a long drink and ran back into the forest.

With no shelter in the valley, the young gnome looked towards the mountain, and wondered whether he should go back and give up on his dreams of the outside world. But he though, "No! I should not give up. Nothing too bad has happened to me after all. Maybe I should just try again using the knowledge I have gained, to avoid the same mistakes." So the gnome turned back and re-entered the forest, looking for a tree with a nice wide branch covered in leaves to sleep on. Finding one, he climbed up and went to sleep.

He awoke the next morning to find the squirrel, sitting on the branch looking at him. "Good morning" said the squirrel. "Who are you?". And the young gnome told him all about his story. "You can't live in the trees for long" said the squirrel. "You will need to go back to the valley and build a house. Winter will come soon and it will be too cold to be without shelter." "how will I build a house?" Said the young gnome. I have nothing to cut trees with. The squirrel said "You're too small for cutting trees. You just need to find some sticks of appropriate size and I will cut them to the right length with my sharp teeth for you. And then we will use vines for rope to tie the sticks together to make a wood house." And so they dragged large sticks out of the forest and the gnome found vines while the squirrel cut the sticks with his teeth and they lashed the sticks together to make walls and the walls together to make a house and roof. And the squirrel said "And you will need a fire to keep warm, but you will need stone to keep the fire form burning down the house. So you will need to get river stones... from the river." "But the current is too swift" said the gnome. "Maybe we could tie a vine around your waist and around the rock, and that will stop the river from taking you away." So they did this and after many hours of jumping into the river and hauling rocks out they had enough and built a chimney and fireplace in the house. "But you will need a bed." And they got more sticks and the squirrel cut them to size with his teeth and they lashed them together with more vines to make the frame and they got pine needles for a mattress and horse hairs form the valley and wove them into a blanket. And...

At that point I noticed she was asleep [I don't blame her. Ed. (Mari)]. And figuring that it sounded like my gnome had got himself sorted out well enough at this stage, and could do without me, I kissed Josephine goodnight and left her slumbering.