Anniversary the 10th: A Bisaster of Epic Proportions Pt3

Previously on National Lampoon's Hill Family Vacation : We roared with mirth as the Hill family failed to properly use a GPS resulting in a groundhog-day-like recurrence of visits to Hornsby and then rode through the night with them along the dark and lonely, endless-road; our souls shrinking back from the precipice of the void into which they passed. Finally, turning back from the edge of utter oblivion which surely would have engulfed them had they continued along that dark path, they returned once more to the light of civilization and located the haven cruel fate and even the celestial powers had sought to deny them.

We go to a dark place tonight folks. A place where a man's soul is rent asunder and hard questions with no answers which haunt the mind for years to come are raised. Tonight we explore a harrowing world of fear, brutal armed combat and a frantic flight to safety. So put the kids to bed, strap on the waterproof underwear and sit back for:

Episode 3: Battle! Hell Unleashed (And A Hasty Retreat)

Having finally arrived at our long sought destination we drove in through the main gate and found that the house (of which there are 3 in the complex) we were assigned was not in-fact located there but was down the road to the next driveway. Turning around, we were unable to see much in the darkness other than that the houses looked a little on the worn side. The driveway disappeared rapidly into the dark in the general direction of the "exit only" sign by the road-side. If only there had been lighting along that drive, the night would have turned out much different and this accounting might well have stopped here, but for the briefest of sketches outlining the mundane activities that one embarks upon on a holiday in the country where there really is nothing substantial to do. But alas it was not to be. The night harbored twists and turns yet unthought of and, some will say before this tale ends, unthinkable.

We proceeded down the road a double-handful of meters and beheld with horror (at least on my part) a well made, nice looking, timber house on stilts perched on the side of, and nestled right into, the side of a steep and densely wooded hillside. Webs connected every gap between the trees and bushes. Not the intricately patterned webs of the smaller, common garden spider, oh no. These were the thick, steel-cable web lines of the predator who doesn't sit waiting for insects to fly into their nets, flung wide, but travels from place to place within it's hunting range taking victims off the street by main force.

These were the work of my nemesis. The hated abomination called Huntsman.

The driveway rose swiftly on an incline of at least 45degrees and swung right to a flat area right outside the long, steep, bush encrusted stone stairway leading up to the houses own wooden staircase (and right to the foot of a large tree known to give shelter to the Abomination) which opened onto a veranda sporting a bbq, wood box, two large windows which would welcome ocean waves of gentle light into the living area beyond and finally a new-looking front door.

There was no way in the 5 hells that I was getting out of this weekend without one of the horrors stowing away in the car with us if I parked there for any length of time. I would have to find an alternative. I tried frantically to calculate the walking distance to the motor inn we had stopped at in ages past. Could I conceivably unpack the car, drive back and park there and then walk back to the house at 2am without being attacked by some rabid wild animal or yobbo? I knew there was fishing here, indeed we had seen a couple of blokes on their way back from such an outing when we had first set tire upon The Lonely Road, so perhaps I would not be quite so alone out on The Road even at such a late hour. It was my only even vaguely achievable option at this point so I stowed it in the probably filing folder in my mind and got on with the task at hand: maneuver the car into a position as far from the hated tree(s) and bushes as possible without it tumbling off the edge of the hillside and killing us all, and get the wife, child and luggage (anyone who knows us well will know the likely extent of our luggage for a two night holiday) into the house and in the child's case, back to sleep (she having awoken while we were in the void out on The Road).

This brings up a side note actually, which both myself and Mari noticed in the previous episodes. There has been virtually no mention of Josephine so far. The reason for this is that this was the first trip we have taken (having driven previously to Canberra, Wollongong, The Gold Coast & Dubbo) that Josie has simply played with her DSLite, eaten her food and gone to sleep with barely any attention spared for us. Even though most of the action occurred after her normal bedtime, usually on these trips she fights falling asleep as long as she can (on the trip to Dubbo she became spooked by the darkness of the road and decided she wanted to go home so getting her to calm down enough to go to sleep took until 11pm!) and seeks to engage us in conversation. I must say I did not like this new turn of events. For the parents out there: it may be annoying at times but you will dearly miss the constant seeking of attention when it is suddenly reft away from you. And it happens without warning. Make the most of the time you have with your babies before it does.

Anyway, back to the action.

I parked the car and retrieving the child, carried her up and into the house, Mari having gone before to open the door and light the way. I put the child to bed as Mari wandered around investigating the place, and went down to get the first load of luggage from the car. Returning I deposited the load onto the coffee table in the living area and, hearing Josie's voice, went to investigate why she was not asleep. Finding Mari lying with the child calming her to sleep I headed back to the living area en route to the car for the next load of luggage.

I'm not sure what premonition made me look up toward the wall above the curtains over the front windows as I entered the room but it saved me from certain death at the hands of the Abomination that clung there upon the wall or possibly from choking upon my own tongue in a spasm of revulsion had it fallen upon me, as it surely would once I was within range of its evil ways.

Abhorrent!

Sickening!

Abomination!

It could not be borne, this incursion by the beast with eight legs and the soulless, malevolent, hundred-eyed gaze. A beast born surely of the very depths of hell itself! I cast about in the kitchen for a suitable weapon with which to arm myself for battle with such a foe. But this was obviously a dark place of unspeakable evil and cruelty. I saw now that the trials we had suffered were no accident of circumstance. This foul place was designed to drain hapless adventure seekers of their spirit via the clouded and shifting route and the endlessness of The Lonely Road, in order that they be weakened sufficiently to be overcome and devoured by the foul, loathsome beasts of the pits. In no other but such a place, surrounded as it was by bush and tree, surrounds infested with the Abominations, would I expect to find no insect spray!!! None to be found anywhere! And all the while the beast sat upon the wall and fixed his malevolent gaze upon me. I could feel the dark amusement at my futile efforts to find a suitable weapon emanating from the foul creature in waves that washed over me, hot and smelling of putrescence. It was breathing at me!

Finally, salvation!

I had found the laundry and inside, no doubt placed to trick the newly arrived into thinking the dwelling a place of simple domestic existence, was... a broom! Taking up my oft-favored weapon in the fight against the Abominations (many are the tales of battle, down through the long years which have found me beset by my ancient enemies. Too numerous to relate here, they must await another time of The Telling) I returned to the room in which the beast had chosen to face me and called Mari from the other room that she may be forewarned of the impending conflict and make ready to flee should I fall in the coming battle. Coming into the room she was horror struck, her hand flying to her mouth to stifle the scream which must have leapt to her throat upon catching site of the awesome, horrifying visage of the beast. Raising my weapon and shaking it meaningfully, our eyes locked and nodding she understood fully the implications of this night and the trials she might yet face, alone but for the child, if I were overcome in the bloody battle that was surely to follow.

I threw every ounce of feeling; of love and companionship, of appreciation of the time we had had and regret for the time we might lose, were I unable to defeat my ancient enemy, into a last look upon the face of my first true love and turned to meet my fate as Mari turned and fled the room to guard our precious child and make ready her escape if the worst should come to pass.

Raising my weapon into a ready position before me I advanced upon the beast. Coming within range even of my lengthy weapon was dangerous as the loathsome creatures are known to leap upon their prey from a great distance and so I was upon my guard and stayed light upon my feet, ready to dance aside at the first hint of movement in its vile limbs.

It twitched and I hurled myself backwards and to the left. Diving and rolling back toward the right I sought to confound it and forestall any attempts to get a bead on my position for a strike. Coming up again onto my feet I began a long, slow stalking right to left across its line of attack and just as I crossed the line I took my chance and struck with the bristled end of my lance.

Disaster!

My thrust had gone wide and the creature had skated behind the drapery with a speed and agility that I freely admit caused me to quail momentarily and contemplate flight. But the thought of my beloved wife and child waiting in the other room, depending on me to bring them through this hellish journey, safely snapped me back into action.

I harassed the beast with the broom head until it made it's first mistake of the contest and poked its head and several foul appendages out from behind the curtain (presumably to see if it could do anything offensive to make me back off my relentless attack upon its foul person).

This was the opening I had been waiting for however and I reacted instantly, sweeping the head of my weapon downwards to knock the abomination from its excellent defensive position high upon the wall and behind cover onto the floor where it would be at my booted mercy (though while disadvantaged to be sure, still not to be underestimated as these creatures have been known to race with lightning speed up the trouser leg and sink their stinking, rotted teeth into the manhood of those with which they do battle and even to strip a sizable chunk of boot-leather from the feet of their adversaries should the blow be not swift or powerful enough). Not wanting to come within testicular danger range I continued to press my attack with my bearded lance while holding the boot in reserve for just the right opportunity. I struck true several times but the beast was strong and the broom head bounced harmlessly off on all but the most powerful strokes I was able to muster.

Finally however the creature, tiring of the battle and fearing now for its life, where so short a time ago it had been sure of victory and an easy meal, made a break away from the skirting board and into open territory between the wall and the door (which I now saw had an enormous gap underneath it - no doubt placed there apurpose by the dark creators of this wicked place). Seeing my chance for victory I brought my weapon down upon the beast with all the strength within my mind, body and soul! The head broke from the end of my lance and clattered away but I saw that I had mortally wounded the beast and, abandoning the broken weapon, I moved in for the kill.

Bringing my ancient boots of the Blund Stone down again and again in crashing waves of destruction I smote my enemies ruin upon the floor of the house upon the mountain.

Finally, as the blood haze cleared from my vision I saw that the beast was indeed defeated, yea it was barely recognizable for the dark and malevolent entity that had sought battle with me so brazenly only mere minutes before.

The thrill of battle and victory ebbing away leaving me shaken, my limbs heavy and my mind disturbed by an encounter with such darkness I knew we could not stay in this place and hope to live out the night unmolested by further incursions. You see it was fear and loathing of mine ancient enemy that drove me to frenzied battle, not longing for such an encounter, or the honor and glory that comes with victory in such. I was badly shaken by this turn of events and while I could have tolerated the need to defend the borders of the dwelling from incursion by the filth with eight legs, I could not endure the thought of being, unexpectedly in such close quarters, with one of the foul creatures as we would undoubtedly be forced to be, should we leave the car in the vicinity.

Seeking out my family I informed Mari in shame that I could not stay here. We would have to leave and seek shelter at the motor inn. It was very late by this stage but it had been late when we had last been there and reception was manned then. There was hope that it was manned 24hours.

Knowing well my loathing of the Abominations, Mari accepted the need to retreat with the kindness, patience and understanding that can only be born of the deepest love and affection.

That love was put to the test however when we arrived at the Motor Inn to find that the reception desk was locked up for the night and a phone call which roused someone from their, no doubt spiderless, slumber confirmed that there was no one on duty at this time to see to our needs.

Not knowing what to do, we sat in the car park trying to think of a viable option. Mari knew what was on my mind but even her love could not bring her to sanction the action that was plainly written on my face: flight.

Though it had taken us so many hours to get here I knew, now that I knew the way, that I could get us back home in 1hour 40mins max. Probably faster at this time of night, devoid of traffic as it was. I had mentioned to Mari on the way up that if worst came to worst and the GPS didnt get its act together we could head home and try again in the morning with Google maps and etc at our disposal. Thusly did she know of my thoughts as we sat in the car in the car park of the safe but unattainable haven. The only alternative we could see was to either park the car and walk back to the house (which I was not keen to stay in until I could get my hands on some reasonable protective measures) or sleep in the car in the car park and then decide whether to cancel our booking at The Hell House and get a room at the motor inn. With a supreme act of compassion for me, Mari consented to return home and to come back on the morrow.

And so it was that the first stage of our adventure ended in defeat, after countless trials overcome and fought through, snatched from the jaws of victory. And my ego having taken a severe battering. I had bested my enemy but he had bested me all the same. My physical victory nothing compared to the mental and emotional pummeling he had inflicted upon me.

The drive back was uneventful, Josie fell asleep after 20mins and Mari 20seconds after that. I drove on in silence but for the voices in my head. A long and lonely journey through the darkness. My soul left blackened and beaten upon the field of battle.

Tune in next time for:

Episode 4: The Drive Up... Again (A Chance For Redemption)